If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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