i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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