On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
