I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize