If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Randomize
