I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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