so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
