I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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