she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Operation Purity has been aborted
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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