Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
