We're facebook friends in real life
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm bleeding and have questions
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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