I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
