I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
