Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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