you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize