WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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