So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
