giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
