Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
