And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
