Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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