don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
