areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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