i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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