there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize