So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel like death gave me a hand job
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
