The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
