First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
