I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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