there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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