I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
