I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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