Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
