I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
