i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
