There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
