I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
