fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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