I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
