she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
