tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
