If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize