In the future we'll all be gay
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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