It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
