Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
