I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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