i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
