I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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