I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
