You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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