Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
