I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
