if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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