Someone shit on the floor
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
